Well THAT was unexpected...

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Strawberry Limeade
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Well THAT was unexpected...

Post by Strawberry Limeade »

So I have this guy friend, H, who I met my sophomore year of college (3 1/2 years ago). He's one of my best friends in the whole world. He's gay; not flamboyant, not overt, but definitely gay. Currently, he's in Jordan with the Peace Corps, where he's been since July. I had a crush on him when we first met, but what with him liking guys and all, we eventually settled in to just being friends, and I started dating my current boyfriend about 2 1/2 years ago.

H and I have been emailing back and forth while he's been gone, and he's even called me twice. I got an email from him yesterday telling me he got the package I sent him for Christmas. However, he also said several times in the email that his love for me is so strong it makes him feel straight, that he loves me in homosexual but bordering on bi-curious way, and that he loves me so much that my boyfriend might have to fight him for me. I assumed this was all a big joke, albeit a strange one. I told my friend T, who I work with and who went to school and is good friends with both of us. She was a lot more shocked than I expected, and doesn't think he's kidding. He's never joked about this kind of thing with anyone. And he isn't calling or emailing anyone else from our circle of friends.

My boyfriend and I haven't been getting along all that well lately. He's always been suspicious of my relationship with H, and I've dutifully reassured him over the years with, "He's GAY. He likes BOYS. He would rather kiss YOU than ME." But now...

I know there's a broad range of ages and experience and orientations on this board, and I know you guys aren't really connected to the situation, but any thoughts/opinions are welcome. And I do mean any.
Jazzy
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Re: Well THAT was unexpected...

Post by Jazzy »

You have to talk to your friend and find out how he really feels - if possible, over the phone or in person rather than by mail, because it's a lot easier to write down things you don't mean than to say them. T could be right or completely wrong - or T might be right, but H might never be intending to act on it. Just because someone tells you that kind of thing doesn't mean you're then going to have a relationship...a friend of mine told me he was attracted to me when we were both single, and not long after it actually turned into "so I don't want to see you anymore, you'll wreck my new relationship". H is far away right now - I don't know him, obviously, but he could well be saying it knowing that nothing's likely to happen given the distance, and your attachment, and his presumed orientation (and might not have said it if he thought you'd take him seriously).
AngharadTy
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Re: Well THAT was unexpected...

Post by AngharadTy »

Even if your gay friend is actually bi and does want you, that's completely irrelevant. Your boyfriend has to trust you; anyone else's intentions mean nothing. I don't look at jealousy as a problem, but rather a symptom of another problem. In this case, it sounds like he's insecure about your relationship; the only cure for that is to reassure him often that you're not going to leave him for your gay friend, hehe. The best response to his worry is not "it's okay, he's gay!" but rather "I want to be with you!" because if your friend stops labeling himself as gay and starts calling himself bi instead, that adds a sudden threat to your boyfriend--as he sees it.

I'd add that it's dangerous to dissolve a current relationship to go with someone who is bicurious because they might realize "ah, no, I get it, I really am totally gay" instead. I don't mean you can't try things with bicurious people, haha! But if you're thinking at all that it'd be a worth a shot, and that it alone would be a good reason to break up with your boyfriend, don't do it. (If you have other reasons--you said you're not getting along so well... well, only you know if you want to keep that relationship.)

I'll second talking to your friend, but make sure you get your wants straight in your own head first, just in case. ^_^
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Strawberry Limeade
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Re: Well THAT was unexpected...

Post by Strawberry Limeade »

Well, for those of you following along at home, here's where the situation stands now:

I broke up with my boyfriend tonight. I had long talks with my parents, and two of my very best girlfriends, and realized that my boyfriend has some emotionally abusive tendencies that I don't think will go away, and that if they've all noticed it, and I've been unhappy, well then maybe it was for the best. We had a long, ugly phone conversation, and now I've gone through a big bowl of ice cream, and I'm working on a rum and coke.

I also emailed H Thursday night and got a phone call from him today, which is pretty good turnaround (Jazzy - I would love to talk to him in person, but we're about 7000 miles apart ;) ) He was very concerned for the situation and for me, and out of nowhere remarked that his mom would be thrilled for him and me to get married. He told me he'd call me again this week at some point, and that anytime I needed to talk, to email him and give him a couple days to get it (it's a 45 minute walk to internet access for him) and then he'd call. I'm trying very hard to keep my expectations for that side of the situation low, but in reality, nothing could happen for two years anyways until he gets home.

Ty - the reassurance thing you mentioned was very eye-opening for me. I'd honestly never thought about it that way before. I was always just so irritated that he was suspicious of the one guy, who in my estimation, was utterly no threat. (Look how wrong I can be! Wow!)

Anyways, I greatly appreciate the advice and the opportunity to vent.
AngharadTy
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Re: Well THAT was unexpected...

Post by AngharadTy »

Sounds like you're better off--and your friend H sounds really kind. *hugs*
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