What is the largest animal you could kill whilst naked?

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Madge
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What is the largest animal you could kill whilst naked?

Post by Madge »

Firstly: this is a FUN topic, despite the implied animal murdering. I heard it referenced on a radio show and wondered exactly what the biggest animal you could kill with your bare hands would be. If you are in any way offended by the discussion of killing animals in potentially comedic and definitely unorthodox ways, DO NOT READ THIS TOPIC.

Secondly: for the purposes of this topic, assume you are morally capable of killing an animal. I can envision how I would kill my pet cat, and my boyfriend, a vegetarian, thinks he could kill a sheep. No matter how morally repugnant killing an animal is, the animals we are killing in this topic exist only in our imaginations.

So, now onto the topic. It is more or less what the title says.

What is the biggest animal you could kill with your bare hands? (i.e. naked. You could use your feet or your giant penis if you want, I suppose. No sharp rocks or anything, though!)

I think I would be able to kill a bunny rabbit. It would just be a matter of picking it up and twisting its head to kill it, really. Maybe a wombat, using the same method, but wombats are pretty angry, and have claws for burrowing, so it may not be a good idea.

Feel free to debate the rules and just go onto tangents about whether superman could REALLY beat batman in a fight.
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Re: What is the largest animal you could kill whilst naked?

Post by Strawberry Limeade »

If I was going to be naked, I think I'd want to pick something on the slower side, and without claws or sharp teeth. A smaller member of the penguin family would be my choice of victim. Of course, I'd have to chase it across the ice. Moving to a more temperate climate, maybe a three-toed sloth or koala - something I could sneak up on and kill before it really woke up.
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Re: What is the largest animal you could kill whilst naked?

Post by Joey »

Psh, Batman carries around Kryptonite. If they're totally serious about it, Superman is screwed.

... I actually have nothing to say on topic, as I've been beaten up by a puppy all weekend :(
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Re: What is the largest animal you could kill whilst naked?

Post by Helmcargh »

ooh, a sloth is a good one. I would say some variety of non-venomous snake. I actually know an old man that killed a pretty large carpet python with his hands (it was trying to squeeze him and digest him so I feel he was justified). So yeah, maybe you could tie it in a knot, and then, maybe crush it? Especially if it was cold or really hot when snakes go all slow.
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Twofold Black
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Re: What is the largest animal you could kill whilst naked?

Post by Twofold Black »

Madge wrote:your giant penis
Damn it, Madge! I confided in you! That's private!

In a pinch I could probably kill something fairly substantial with my bare penishands. A lot depends on the circumstances. It is very hard for a human being standing on the ground to kill a horse. It can be tricky even with a gun. Once you're on its back it becomes a lot simpler, but you have to invest a lot of time and energy in acclimating the horse to this treatment, and having done so, why would you want to kill it? I guess you could have someone else do the tedious parts.

I can tell you with authority that I could kill an Italian greyhound. I would do it by accidentally pushing it off the couch. And that's why I'll never have an Italian greyhound: I am clumsy.

I probably couldn't kill Batman with my bare hands. Anything you may have heard about Batman and my penis is a vicious lie.
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Re: What is the largest animal you could kill whilst naked?

Post by Seerow »

Well this is an interesting topic I must say.

I've done a lot of dog and cat wrangling at my job, so I'm fairly confident I could down an average size dog, possibly a large one given the circumstances, and most cats. Vicious crazy feral cats may be a bit more of a challenge, but if I'm in a confined space I'll eventually get them pinned.

Granted, I'm not sure why I would ever be naked at work and be needing to kill a cat/dog, but there ya have it.
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Wingsrising
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Re: What is the largest animal you could kill whilst naked?

Post by Wingsrising »

Mosquito?

Cockroaches are too big and icky to kill even with shoes.

Why yes, I am a wimp.

(I wouldn't even want to trip my cats' toenails naked. I wouldn't want to try to kill one. Too many pointy bits.)
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Re: What is the largest animal you could kill whilst naked?

Post by Twofold Black »

Seerow wrote:Granted, I'm not sure why I would ever be naked at work and be needing to kill a cat/dog, but there ya have it.
It's called 'having that dream again'.
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Seerow
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Re: What is the largest animal you could kill whilst naked?

Post by Seerow »

Wingsrising wrote: (I wouldn't even want to trip my cats' toenails naked. I wouldn't want to try to kill one. Too many pointy bits.)
Wrap your cat in a towel. It is effective for 95% of cats in my experience of trimming cat nails at work, and I've trimmed a hell of a lot of nails. If you cat is really really mean and may actually try to bite you, have someone else scruff the cat.
I find the easiest position is to sit down, draw me legs up, and rest the cats back against my legs while I trim his nails from the front. You can also do it in the crook of your arm if that's more comfortable. But seriously - towel.

/off topic-ness
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Re: What is the largest animal you could kill whilst naked?

Post by Cranberry »

Seerow wrote:I'm fairly confident I could down an average size dog, possibly a large one given the circumstances, and most cats. Vicious crazy feral cats may be a bit more of a challenge, but if I'm in a confined space I'll eventually get them pinned.
Pretty much the same for me, although probably not a large dog, unless it was older. An animal in its prime... I could probably take down a medium-sized dog, and maybe a coyote or a dingo if the adrenaline was really pumping (which I imagine it would be if I was naked and had to go one on one with something that could kill me!). I'd come away with some injuries, though. And I can say with absolute certainty that I could not take down a wolf -- I was attacked by one through a fence (it stuck its head through the fence, grabbed my arm and tried to pull it in), and I got away by bracing one foot on the fence and kicking it in the neck with the other. Without the fence, I would have had no chance. Those bastards (and I mean that affectionately -- I love wolves) are strong and incredibly fast.
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Re: What is the largest animal you could kill whilst naked?

Post by AngharadTy »

Bugs Bunny.
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Kantark
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Re: What is the largest animal you could kill whilst naked?

Post by Kantark »

I dunno... a large-ish dog? I'd probably find that easier than a smaller dog like a Jack Russell (I've had a vaguely traumatic experience once, with one of those randomly biting me. Being the nekkid would only increase the risk of extreme pain.)

I'd like to think it'd be something macho like a crocodile or bear but to be honest that would be more down to luck and would probably end up with a severe mauling anyhow.
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Illuen
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Re: What is the largest animal you could kill whilst naked?

Post by Illuen »

Well, I am going to set the bar for size. I think, with a little effort, I could kill a cow. A female, of course, I'm not going to try and kill a bull naked, but I am pretty sure I could kill a normal, female, cow with nothing but my mighty penis... and perhaps an odd hand to help out at the end.
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Re: What is the largest animal you could kill whilst naked?

Post by Twofold Black »

Illuen wrote:Well, I am going to set the bar for size. I think, with a little effort, I could kill a cow. A female, of course, I'm not going to try and kill a bull naked, but I am pretty sure I could kill a normal, female, cow with nothing but my mighty penis... and perhaps an odd hand to help out at the end.
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Wingsrising
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Re: What is the largest animal you could kill whilst naked?

Post by Wingsrising »

Seerow wrote:
Wingsrising wrote: (I wouldn't even want to trip my cats' toenails naked. I wouldn't want to try to kill one. Too many pointy bits.)
Wrap your cat in a towel. It is effective for 95% of cats in my experience of trimming cat nails at work, and I've trimmed a hell of a lot of nails. If you cat is really really mean and may actually try to bite you, have someone else scruff the cat.
I find the easiest position is to sit down, draw me legs up, and rest the cats back against my legs while I trim his nails from the front. You can also do it in the crook of your arm if that's more comfortable. But seriously - towel.

/off topic-ness
More off-topic-ness: whenever I've tried to wrap a cat in a towel, the process of attempting to wrap the cat in the towel turned out to be harder than just forgetting the towel and doing whatever I was going to do to the cat sans towel. Come to think of it, I'm not sure I've ever been successful at wrapping a cat in a towel. I think there's a knack to towel-wrapping that I'm just not getting.

My cats are actually pretty good about getting their nails done. I do it by grabbing one of the cats, flipping her on her back in my lap, and then trimming while she squirms with all four legs waving in the air. I don't think it's ever occurred to my cats that deliberately trying to hurt me is a possibility, but the first time I tried trimming their nails in shorts I got some nasty scratches from their back claws as they tried to get enough traction to get away. That's enough to discourage me from trying to trim cat toenails naked. :-)

Silly cats. Whenever Stormy manages to struggle free, she flees halfway across the room to get away from the horrible cat torturer (me), then turns around and trots back again to see if she still gets the treats that I normally give her after I finish her trim.

Um... back on topic... I still stand by not killing cockroaches while naked.
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